I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
