if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
