I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
