I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
