Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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