he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
