I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I can text with my tongue
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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