Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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