i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
