absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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