her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I met the friendliest cop last night
I looked at my own cervix.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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