i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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