Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
