he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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