Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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