dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
