ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
