dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
