the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
