is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
