My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
