Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize