If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize