Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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