I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you win again, gameday.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
