She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize