Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize