it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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