I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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