the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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