I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize