**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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