I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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