Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dick has a subreddit
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
