The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
