I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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