the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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