every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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