Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
