so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
