My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize