1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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