I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
