nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
no you cant smoke seaweed
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
