last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
