Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
