We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize