she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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