Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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