Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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