I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
