can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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