piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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