3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize