i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
