Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
