Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
