Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
