well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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