There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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