Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
