I can text with my tongue
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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