She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize