my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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