She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
