hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
