We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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