as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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