Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
