my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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