i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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