Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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