I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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